What Does It Really Mean To Be A Step-Grandparent?

From the heart of Penelope Mathieson and published in Parents Canada Magazine

Love at first glance.

When Penelope Mathieson became “Nonna” by common-law marriage, she discovered that grandparenting is really about belonging. Her story explores the joy, complexity and love found in step-grandparenting.

Becoming a grandparent was never on my radar. At 71, childless by choice and raised without grandparents myself, I never imagined this would be part of my story. Yet, life has a way of surprising us, and today I’m proud to answer to “Nonna” in a lively Italian Catholic famiglia—regardless of my being multifaith spiritual/Jewish/Anglican! And let me tell you, it’s one of the greatest joys of my life.

For much of my adulthood, I wore the title of “cool auntie.” I poured my energy into my career, friendships, community and philanthropy, while spoiling my nieces and nephew with the kind of freedom parents rarely get away with. But everything shifted when I met Michael. Along with him came three children, already grown but firmly a part of the package. Very early in our relationship, I realized this wasn’t just about the two of us—this was about family.

The word step never sat right with me. “Step-parent” and then “step-grandparent,” to me, are terms that create distance, hierarchy and even exclusion. So, when Michael and I chose to commit as a couple, I had to be clear: I wasn’t a replacement, but I could be a “bonus” if and when desired.

The Complicated Path to Belonging

Here’s the part people don’t always talk about: This journey wasn’t simple. Family systems are complicated, especially when layered with divorce, trauma and addiction. Michael’s marriage had been scarred by his former partner’s alcoholism, which left him both father and mother for much of their children’s upbringing, and he also carried the burden of being the sole financial provider. Alcoholism is a disease without a cure, and when rehab is refused, the impact ripples through an entire family.

Michael, despite his own childhood trauma of losing his father at just 12, quickly stepped in to become the household leader—a role he always managed with grace. His kindness, steadiness and resilience held his family together. When I entered the picture, it wasn’t without bumps. Guilt, grief and loyalty to an ex-partner can create friction. Our first years together weren’t easy. There were setbacks, silences and misunderstandings. And yet, here we are, 20 years strong. Over time, love and tradition became my way in. I embraced the Italian culture, hosting family dinners and leaning into rituals that brought joy.

When Michael’s eldest became engaged, tensions flared. His ex-partner  didn’t want me at the wedding. But the now-adult children saw their father happy and in love. As a gesture of peace, I invited her to co-host a bridal shower with me. Together, we pulled it off. Step-by-step, we found ways to coexist. 

And then came the day that changed everything: the first grandchild. When the three of us drove together to the hospital, it was a moment of shared anticipation and hope. Shortly after, I asked both biological grandmothers how they wanted to be addressed. Neither leaned Italian, and so “Nonna” became mine. It fit. It stuck. It filled me with a sense of belonging that I hadn’t recognized was missing.

Redefining What It Means to be a Step-Grandparent

What I’ve learned is that grandparenting is less about biology and more about belonging. In Canada, grandparents account for nearly half of those aged 45 and older. They are role models, nurturers, storytellers, fashionistas and historians. As life expectancy rises, so does the impact grandparents have on family systems, particularly in multigenerational households—the fastest-growing household type in our country. Add in the dynamics of second and third marriages, and family roles have never been more diverse.

My own journey has been unconventional and, yes, complicated. But it has enriched my life beyond measure. Every hug, every giggle, every whispered “Nonna” reminds me that family is not only born into but also who and how you choose to embrace with your heart.